Thursday, November 21, 2013

The Best Thanksgiving Movies of All the Times, Ever, that are in Existence

Thanksgiving is just a week away so why not whittle away the time it takes to thaw a turkey by watching all the best movies in, around, and about Thanksgiving.... ever. If you have any other suggestions or disagree with any point on this list, such as the order from less perfect to absolute perfect, then you are wrong. No gravy for you!


It only goes down from here. For Pauly Shore that is.

16. Son in Law (1993) - Though it doesn’t mean much to say this is easily the best film of the in-illustrious Pauly Shore canon. Shore plays Crawl a drugged out so-cal clown who accompanies his female college friend on an improbable trip back home to her conservative South Dakota farming town for the Thanksgiving holiday.  While back home, horror of horrors, her long-distance jock boy friend attempts to propose and in a last ditch attempt to avoid getting married she enlists the help of Crawl, a semi-coherent emasculated west-hollywood scarecrow, who proceeds to feign having already proposed marriage himself....much hilarity ensues as he attempts to endear himself to his brand new farmer in-laws. And I mean that, much hilarity actually does ensue. As a situation comedy it can be pretty golden but beyond this it’s a pretty weak to average movie, which again makes it the freaking Citizen Kane of Pauley Shore movies.

15. Mayflower: the Pilgrim’s Adventure (1979) - In 1952 MGM released a bloated Cleopatra style sea-epic called the Plymouth Adventure which starred Spencer Tracey. It was a boring and banal movie that focussed exclusively on the harrowing trip taken by the Plymouth colonists on their way to the New World....lots of being sea sick. It’s not very good. Fast forward to 1979 and we finally got Mayflower: the Pilgrims’s Adventure, which is a smaller budgeted t.v. movie that was less banal and representative of a slightly less boring take on the very same idea: the pilgrim’s sea journey.  This time around the acting/dialogue is less campy and instead of “epic thrills” there is an earnest attempt to depict real human drama in its historical context. It even has a young Anthony Hopkins as the captain of the Mayflower, though, sadly, he does not murder and subsequently eat any of the passengers on board. Picture that for your Thanksgiving dinner, Clarice.

14. Garfield’s Thanksgiving (1989) - What would Thanksgiving be without America’s favorite glutton? Well I don’t know of any Simpson’s thanksgiving episodes that I could watch so as to recommend, so how about Garfield the cat as second place to Homer? John Arbuckle takes Garfield to the vet and lands a Thanksgiving dinner date with the veterinarian. Unfortunately for Garfield the vet has put him on a low carb, low fat, low calorie diet and John doesn’t know how to cook, anything. It doesn’t focus much on the holiday itself but it’s very funny and constitutes good, clean “family fun”.
How many people have even heard of this movie?

13. Avalon (1990) - A long, slow, plodding, and yet thoroughly engaging and visually beautiful film about the life of several generations of European Jewish immigrants who repeatedly meet for a series Thanksgiving dinners that are spread out over a particularly tumultuous period in their lives. It also happens to be set during the late 1940s and early 1950s. While not quite as much fun as Seinfeld, it’s pretty much the same basic idea: “Why do we always eat this turkey? I don’t even like turkey, oy!”

12. Hannah and Her Sisters (1986) - A highly introspective and dry comedy about a group of self-indulgent New Yorkers that takes places over a period of years that encompasses several Thanksgiving get togethers. It’s not for everyone, I don’t even think it’s for me, but the parts about Woody Allen’s character coming to terms with an existential crisis, in the face of what he takes to be a near death experience, are extremely funny. And a little depressing. The rest is pretty much just watching old, rich, white people have a bunch of joyless non-fecund sex with each other.....as they are prone to doing in these Manhattan set things.

11. An Old Fashioned Thanksgiving (2008) - Based on a story by Louisa May Alcott (Little Women), and made by *shudder* Hallmark, this is pretty much the best made-for-t.v. holiday chick-flick that I have ever seen....and I have been forced to sit through a lot of them.... far, far too many of them.... like, one is too many.... Anyway, it’s not as good as gravy or anything but there is a story here that I actually cared about and it was carried by competent acting and knock down gorgeous sets and costumes....teehee. It made me want to adorn myself handsomely and then trudge around in the snow, but as one character reminds us, “the snow is just a place to get stuck and freeze to death”.

                                                                      Comedy Gold

10. Meet the Parent’s (2000) - Wait, what? This isn’t a Thanksgiving movie! No, but for whatever reason I associate this much beloved classic very strongly with the holiday and it’s obvious why: Ben Stiller’s incredibly funny, improvised prayer of thanks before a family dinner. One of my favorite scenes in any movie, ever.


"We cannot break bread with you...."
9. Adams Family Values (1993) - The Adams Family movies are way underrated in my opinion and I actually think that this is the best of the two, thanks to Joan Cusack. It isn’t exactly about Thanksgiving but there is a great scene involving an incredibly racist/funny (interchangeable terms) Thanksgiving pageant that is taken over by Wednesday Adams who, dressed as Pocahontas, punishes the pilgrims for what their descendants would eventually do to the “Native Americans”, or more properly, “the people who were living here prior to the people who live here now”. 
I will cut all their throats as they sleep....or I will teach them how to plant corn, whichever comes first!
8. Squanto: A Warrior’s Tale (1994) - A wildly inaccurate (I mean to epic proportions) depiction of the life of Squanto, the English speaking European educated Patuxet Indian who famously came to the aid of the Plymouth Colony pilgrims with his valuable knowledge of “how to not starve or freeze to death during a New England winter”. Squanto stars the dreamy and now famous Adam Beach as Squanto: an Indian “warrior” (apparently all Indians are “warriors”) endowed with such ridiculously patronizing magical powers as being able to talk to animals, wrestle bears and not die, and summon the “spirits of nature and shit like that”. This isn’t a bad movie, in fact, it’s a pretty good action/adventure film and one of the most underrated movies in the entire secret underground, gold-encased Disney movie vault. It’s also insultingly and bafflingly inaccurate in terms of its historical content. Still, it’s one of the only truly entertaining movies in existence that attempts to dramatize the events that surround what we have come to call “the first thanksgiving” and that’s enough to warrant a viewing this time of year.

7. The Mouse on the Mayflower (1968) - After the Hobbit this is probably my favorite Rankin and Bass animated t.v. movie. As it turns out, mice had a big role to play in ensuring that the Pilgrims and Indians of Plymouth decided to kill turkeys instead of each other. It seems plausible enough. Plus there is half-way decent animation and a great folksy soundtrack that is, thanks be to God, not performed by Arlo Guthrie.

6. The Ice Storm (1997) - A dark drama about upper middle class people in the 1970s who have embraced the sexual revolution to their near total ruin. It was directed by Ang Lee so expect stunning visual treatment on top of the brooding characters all full of angst and despair. Also expect to see Christina Ricci reprise her role as Wednesday Adams as she delivers a sardonic Thanksgiving day prayer that is eerily reminiscent of the Thanksgiving speech she gave several years prior in Adams Family Values. It’s a joylessly beautiful and meaningful movie full of bitter feelings....just like a real Thanksgiving dinner with your relatives.

5. Plymouth Colony: The Pilgrims (1955?) - This is an odd one, it’s not really a movie so much as a visual encyclopedia entry done by Britannica. I can’t find any information about it beyond this: who made it? the names of the actors? was it released in theaters? I can’t say, but it is really well done and I had a lot of fun watching it. Lasting only about half an hour it dramatizes the basic outline of the pilgrim’s journey to Plymouth, their hard first year, and eventually summarizes their famous dinner with 90 tribal warriors. The acting is fantastic and it tries very hard to just stick to the facts, as they are known. Sad as it is to say, this short and obscure encyclopedia entry is to date the single best movie ever specifically made about the first thanksgiving story.




4. Planes, Trains, and Automobiles - For many this is the absolute gold standard of Thanksgiving movies and I can see why. It’s absolutely hilarious, has a great John Hughes 80s soundtrack (I love those), and has a really wonderful ending that would melt any frozen turkey heart into a puddle of delicious gooey giblet gravy (best metaphor ever right there).

Steve Martin plays an uptight rich guy trying to get from New York back to his family in Chicago for Thanksgiving dinner but he’s seriously delayed when an unfortunate (and all too common) snow storm closes the airport in Chicago. To make matters worse he’s “helped” by a perfect foil in John Candy who plays a bungling Canadian oaf who doesn’t seem to have anywhere he needs to be, ever.

The pair go through a series of comic mishaps that keep forcing them together, long after they’ve worn on each other, as they desperately attempt to find alternative ways to get back to Chicago in time. It’s an inspiring film. It inspires me to never let my family travel during the holidays ever. We have enough problems right here without having to do battle with the rental car company after they’ve dropped us off in the middle of nowhere with the key to a car that doesn’t even *&%$ing exist.

3. Broadway Danny Rose (1984) - Another Woody Allen movie, but much warmer and more entertaining. Danny rose is an inept talent agent who lets his personal affection for his clients cloud his judgement. He’s had some successes but he always loses them the moment they make it and this time his latest break through doesn’t just break his heart but forces him into accidentally crossing the mob. Mia Farrow is involved and she is amazing as always. The final act involves not just a chase through Thanksgiving day parade floats but a touching Thanksgiving dinner scene that brings Danny Rose together with his truest and only friends in life, his talentless clientele.

2. Spider-man (2002) - While not a Thanksgiving movie, exactly, it does have a great Thanksgiving dinner scene that nearly brings Spider-man and the Green Goblin together for dinner, which is why I always remember this movie at this time of year. As a movie it just so happens to be one of my all time favorites, Raimi is one of my all time favorite directors, and I still believe that his Spider-Man series constitutes the greatest superhero movies of all time....and  Spider-man also happens to be my favorite comic book hero of all time. So, yes, I am quite prejudiced here.....but wouldn’t it be totally amazing to have Spider-man at your house for Thanksgiving dinner? “Please pass the mashed potatoes...*thwack!*....NICE. Now pass the pumpkin pie *thwack*....”


1. Pieces of April (2003) - The best Thanksgiving movie is a independent film starring Katie Holmes about a hardened young woman’s desperate attempt to host a Thanksgiving dinner for her estranged family at her dilapidated inner city apartment in an attempt to see her mother who is dying from cancer....it’s a comedy.

April has never cooked a Thanksgiving dinner before, or much of anything else from what it seems, and wouldn’t you know that she picked the absolute worst day to discover that her shitty little oven doesn’t even work at all. While April has to run around her building looking for help from anyone who can give it her mother has to endure a long, sickening, and pensive ride with the rest of her not-so-hardened suburban family. The movie is broken up into these two stories, which chronicle both sides of April’s estrangement from her mother, and then they finally converge into one great big tear jerking spectacle. 

It’s one the best mother/daughter dramas that I have ever seen and Patricia Clarkson as April’s pained yet jovial mother is the real show stealer here. Someone give that woman a turkey leg because she ripped my heart right out of my thoracic cavity, chopped it up with some sage, and cooked it in a sauce pan with broth, white wine, and a little all-purpose flour for about 10 min or until thickened and then poured it all over her mashed potatoes. I love this movie, and unless you’re a Stalinist or a Nazi, then you will too.    

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

10 Overstuffed Thanksgiving Turkeys

I thought I better post this list before I make people sick too close to their turkey dinner. Here are my picks for the absolute most overrated, awful movies ever to be made that are either about or set during the Thanksgiving holiday, from bad to even more bad. Here you go:
Funniest scene in movie is given away in the poster. Notice that "it's like Home Alone with Bart Simpson"....huh?

 10. Dutch (1991) - Essentially a rehash of better John Hughes movies, Dutch starts off strong but then quickly spins out just as soon as the rubber hits the road. Ed O’Neil does a great Al Bundy impression the whole way through, which is entertaining, but it can’t carry a weak story, unlikable characters, or all the unbelievable scenarios that accompany him along the way.  See Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, or even Home Alone, instead. 

9. Grumpy Old Men (1993) - Seeing the names “Jack Lemon” and “Walter Matthau” stuck together seems to be the sole reason for the existence this vulgar snooze-fest about ancient men competing to fornicate with the same young woman during the holidays.

8. Thanksgiving Visitor (1967) - Based on a boring short story by Truman Capote is this boring short film wherein a boy growing up in Alabama is forced to invite a school bully over to his home for thanksgiving dinner. On paper this sounds like it would go toward a beautiful lesson of some sort but the point of the story seems to be that, in life, there just aren’t any. The bully steals from the family, as he was bound to, and the boy/narrator despises him for it, as he was bound to. Only the senile, mentally stunted old lady who arranged the whole fiasco continues to believe in forgiveness, mercy, and the capacity of human beings to be changed for the better. Whatever you make of the ethics it’s still just like watching moss grow.

At least two seasons of situation comedy hell crammed into one awful movie

7. Home for the Holidays (1995) - A film about nothing, Home for the Holiday’s simply display’s a series of zany situations that Jodi Foster must endure during a trip to her parent’s house for Thanksgiving dinner. Sometimes some sort of random, uncalled for emotional outburst interrupts the flow of nonsense long enough to bore you, or confuse you, but then it’s right back to Robert Downing Jr doing shenanigans. The result is one to the most unwatchable, unfunny comedies I have ever seen. 

6. Holiday Inn (1942) - Great musical scenes accompany the worst storytelling ever in one of the most overrated musicals of all time. Only the sequel, White Christmas, is worse in this respect. Do yourself a favor and just listen to Bing Crosby on Pandora and forget that this movie even exists. Unless you’re into the black face, then by all means give it at least one go....ABRAHAM!

5. One Special Night (1999) - So James Garner and Julie Andrews are two strangers who find themselves stuck sharing a secluded cabin during a Thanksgiving snow storm. Then James Garner asks Julie Andrews whether or not she’s seen psycho....that’s when I stopped watching. I know exactly where this is going and I’ve seen enough slasher films during October already. Seriously though, it’s a very popular lifetime/hallmark movie (one or the other) and therefore, by a law of freaking nature, it’s just awful. Watch Pyscho instead. It’s more comforting than seeing two screen legends crash and burn in a piss poor made-for-tv movie.

4. Monumental (2012) - A monumental waste of time hahahahaha....see what I did there? Spurious history and dubious logic combine to form a ridiculous, almost laugh out loud, “argument” in favor of “saving America” by turning it into a theocracy modeled after the Plymouth Colony. I’m serious.

Even the Army didn't want this guy's mediocre, forgettable hippie pop music
3. Alice’s Restaurant (1969) - Nothing but a long, self-indulgent commercial for a lackluster and mostly forgotten pop album from the 1960s. Bum trip, man. 

2. Nobody’s Fool (1994) - Two-hours of Paul Newman trudging around in the snow attempting to charm the pants off of everybody....in some cases literally. Beloved by many old women, this love letter to all things Newman fails to provide anything like a coherent narrative and despite the stellar cast of talent, including Paul Newman himself, not a single likable or interesting character emerges from the mix. Worst yet this stinker was one of the very last movies to feature Jessica Tandy. If she hadn’t gone to the premiere I’d like to believe that she’d be with us this very day, 104 years young. 


"Well at least he's not a snitch. Y'all are snitches. If I weren't blind I'd solve my problem by setting fire to this place. Oo-rah!"....spare me


1.Scent of a Woman (1992) - One of the most overrated movies of all time features a hilariously awful performance by Al Pacino as a cruel, foul mouthed, washed-up military hero who went blind when, I *#$@ you not, “he was juggling hand grenades”. Throw in an insanely stupid speech about the importance of “not being a snitch” and a scene featuring a blind guy speeding around back allies in a ferrari and you have all the elements for one of the most obnoxious, crassly manipulative oscar-hungry pieces of tripe of all time. Oo-rah!


Sunday, October 27, 2013

13 Overrated Movies for Halloween


I've seen a lot of Halloween movies and movie lists recently, looking for ideas for my own top choices, and a few movies keep coming back at me that I think aren't as great as people say and therefore require a bit of shredding. A bit of snipping down to size. Some trimming of the verge. You get the idea. While I think that some of these are good movies that are merely over-hyped, others are down right pernicious and they must be stopped before they harm others. All of these are relatively popular in their own right, but that doesn't get them off the hook. Remember, the New Kids on the Block were popular too!

So here are my choices for overrated movies that are popular around this time of year:

13.  Paranorman - While not necessarily beloved by the critics (at least until fairly recently, those fickle bastards) I still find that too many people praise this snooze fest and for all the wrong reasons. How many giant wide release productions does an animation company have to have before it loses the “alternative” mystique that attracts all the snowflakes of the world?

12. The Blair Witch Project - I saw this anti-movie in theaters and it made me queazy with all the camera jerking and booger drenched hysterical crying and screaming it contains. There is no witch, there is no story, there is no point. You’d think that some interesting footage would have made its way in at least by accident, right? No dice.

11. The Lost Boys - If a twelve year old boy from 1987 had free reign to make a movie about vampires, it would be this movie. Unfortunately, now that twelve year old boy is a 38 year old man who can’t be bothered to give a shit about how cool he once thought dirt bike riding, mullet sporting vampires were. It’s not just a dated/irrelevant movie, it’s practically a fossil buried somewhere in the Utah desert.

10. Suspiria - An Italian horror movie sold to film studies majors as “one of the greatest of all time”, except that it lacks a coherent or interesting narrative, competent acting, or anything looking at all like human blood. It admittedly has a strong aesthetic appeal and some really amazing experimental music, to good effect, but outside of a few great scenes the whole thing is pretty boring and anticlimactic. You don’t even learn that there is any connection to witches at all until some guy explains it to the audience in a protracted exposition scene, which is a big no no!

9. The Halloween that Almost Wasn’t - An old made for TV movie that often gets thrown out there for viewing around this time of the year....but it really should have just been forgotten. Halloween is nearly canceled because the witch, only one I guess, tells Dracula she doesn’t want to be a villain anymore so Dracula, the Wolfman, Frankenstein’s Monster, and the Mummy (and Igor) have to force her to change her mind. Many 1970s pop-cultural references ensue. Dracula even criticizes the Frankenstein Monster for appearing in Young Frankenstein and the show ends with a Saturday Night Fever disco dance. Somewhere, somehow, people still likes this. Not me, I wasn't even born in 1979!

8. Bram Stoker’s Dracula - Ugh. This one hurts just thinking about it. Francis Ford Coppola, one of the best directors of the 70s, 80s and 90s, made his worst movie here and his biggest mistake was probably agreeing to cast Keanu Reeves as Jonathan Harker. Reeves isn’t a great actor but he “like totally sucks” here and every single scene he’s in is rendered hilarious....in a Dracula movie. Then there’s the impossibly inept story, wherein the the whole thing just completely implodes under the weight of its own erotically driven pretenses, once more rendering the Elvis Presley of Vampires a comedy act. Gary Oldman’s commendable performance as the Count can’t save this stinker, but the great soundtrack, classic effects, and stylistic visuals were enough to fool a lot of people that this movie is anything but retarded. But I never go full retard.

7. Frankenstein (1931) - While by no means a bad movie it’s not the flawless masterpiece it’s purported to be by film snobs. It’s riddled with bad acting, hokey dialogue, superficial storytelling and, obviously, it’s extremely visually dated. At the same time its not a bad story and it still captures something of the tragic morality tale intended by Mary Shelley’s novel. Boris Karloff was also pretty awesome too. Of the Universal monster movies it’s by far the best movie, better than Dracula (wait for it), and the only one that I actually will still watch from time to time, but it’s been surpassed many times and doesn’t deserve its pride of place among those who no doubt celebrate its historical value. 

6. Trick R’ Treat - An awful and mean spirited direct to DVD movie that was intended for theaters but was sent straight to Red Box hell instead and has now found its revenge against justice by becoming a cult favorite over the last few years. It’s an attempt to recapture the magic of classic horror compilations like Creep Show and the Twilight Zone movie, with four minnie movies all set on the same Halloween night that are supposed to intertwine....only they never really do and each story is just an excuse to exploit some cliche or contrived Shyamalan-esque plot twist. What really kills me though is how disgustingly awful this movie’s characters are: everyone is a villain, no one has any mercy, everything is despair and hate....and at the same time it’s supposed to be a funny. But hey, if you think watching a 12 year old kid die of cyanide poisoning is funny then you’ll probably love this! But I think you’re a devil, and that you have bad taste.

5. Coraline - Directed by Tim Burton doppleganger Henry Selick and based on a children’s book written by Neil Gaiman, Coraline tells the long, boring, contrived, nonsensical tale of an irritating thankless little girl who lives in Ashland, Oregon with her hip, aloof douche parents....and then a bunch of zany stuff....she’s almost stolen by a witch without clear motives or any sort of origin....the end. Like Paranorman, Laika’s more recent disappointment, it’s very nice to look at but just like Paranorman there just isn’t a compelling or coherent story. While some critics seemed to recognize this with Paranorman, now that Laika’s hipster honeymoon is over, back in 2009 they were still deceived enough by the hope that they were seeing something revolutionary and promising, like a new Pixar or something, that they gave this turd glowing reviews. I give it an D+, for the effort.

4. The Worst Witch - More like the Worst Movie....hahahaha! No. For many children of the 80s this made-for-tv movie has come to be an annual must-do classic, but every time I try and watch it I am forced to give up and skip to this movie’s one truly entertaining moment: Tim Curry singing. It’s not a great song, by any means, but it's fun and packs enough delicious cheez-whiz low budget 80s effects to make it enjoyable....maybe for the wrong reasons. Numerous elements from this movie, and a cult favorite 80s fantasy movie called Troll, which featured a protagonist named Harry Potter, all seemed to have mysteriously made their way into a certain popular series of novels and movies. What was the name again

3. Dracula (1931) - Everyone loves Bela Legosi’s performance as the Count, at least we’re supposed to, but the fact that this movie is based on a stage-play really shows. It isn’t like watching a movie at all, there’s nothing dynamic about it in any way; it’s just a static camera with some props and a lot of overacting (though I hear the Spanish version, filmed on the same sound stage at the same time with different actors, is actually way better). What’s astounding is that, to date, I don’t think I’ve seen a single version of Dracula that has really impressed me, in-spite of how cool Dracula himself is as a character, and I think the reason for this is simply that the source material itself isn’t very good. I mean it’s a vampire story that’s starts off being mostly about real-estate transactions. Only later does it shift to being about tawdry Victorian romances *yawn*. It’s perfect for the BBC, who’s made the best version to date, but compared to Pride and Prejudiced this is a a load of guano.

2. It’s the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown - Seriously, who can watch this crap? It’s just half an hour of whining, biting sarcasm, and Linus waiting in a pumpkin patch for *SPOILER ALERT*....nothing, nothing at all.

1. Nightmare Before Christmas - Every year Disney craps all over my beloved Haunted Mansion at Disneyland for like 4 months out of the year in order to placate the thousands of hot-topic shopping doofy bastards that absolutely just love this movie. But in my estimation the Nightmare Before Christmas is the single most overrated movie in the entire Disney movie library and I just don’t understand why. While the character designs and world have a great look, and the promotional art is cool, it features a boring and yet joyless story about kidnapping Santa Clause (Sandy Claws), annoying musical scenes, choppy animation, unlikeable characters, and stupid dialogue. It isn’t funny, it isn’t interesting, it isn’t even critical or biting in anyway. It’s just a bunch of vicious Halloween tropes physically abusing Santa Clause and singing “lalalalalalalala” for 90 minutes! I hate this movie, but thankfully every time I force myself to watch it I fall asleep.

There you go, I hope you're grateful because I've just done you a big favor. Let the hate mail come....I'm ready.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

13 + 1 Movies to Watch on Halloween

Here's my pick for the best Halloween movies, of all time. By Halloween movie I mean movies that go great with the holiday and not necessarily just "best horror movies". Indeed, some of these movies on their own merits, apart from the season, are really just pretty good.....and a few other are some of my all time favorites! My list favors movies with supernatural elements, pagan references, Christian themes, or explicit references to Halloween. So even though George Romero makes great movies none of his made my list because they opt for naturalistic explanations for the dead rising and though Hocus Pocus isn't exactly the greatest movie ever made, as a Halloween special, it's probably the most complete movie in existence. So don't be shocked, I'm not crazy, it's all about Halloween!

So without further ado. Here are 13 + 1 movies that I will watch all week long (and in fact have already been watching).

14. Corpse Bride (2005) - 79% awesome (21% food coming up from your stomach)- To date this is still the best claymation gothic family oriented movie ever made, a peculiar sub-genre dominated by Tim Burton, people associated with Tim Burton, and people attempting to be Tim Burton. 


13. Halloween (1978) - 82% awesome (18% watching Jamie Lee Curtis running errands) - The king of slashers is more funny than scary by today’s standards but it’s well made, has a great (if overused) score, Jamie Lee Curtis, and of course, actually takes place on Halloween night. One of the most celebrated horror movies + Halloween = must see on or around Halloween!

12. An American Werewolf in London (1981) - 83% awesome (17% Muppet dog attacks) - Intelligent, funny, and spectacularly gruesome story about an American backpacker who gets attacked by a werewolf, falls in love with an English nurse, and then turns into a werewolf himself. It also has the single best werewolf transformation ever put on film.

11.Donnie Darko  (2001) - 84% awesome (16% complete bullshit) - Something about time travel, parallel universes, and seeing psychotic visions of a giant bunny that says the world is going to end on Halloween? Yeah, I don’t think it makes any sense either but the stellar 80s soundtrack and constant surreal departures into the world of “what it must be like to abuse drugs” coupled with the pervasive Halloween setting make this one really fun. Just don’t take any of it too seriously.

 10.The Halloween Tree (1993) - 85% awesome (15% Hanna-Barbara made for t.v. budget) - A full length Halloween special written by Ray Bradbury and featuring Leonard Nimoy that goes out of its way to actually explain the historical and cultural significance of Halloween at the very same time? Nice. Too bad the animation is so darn generic.....and who dies from appendicitis? I don’t want to give away the ending but they don’t pull any punches telling kids about death and how we all become jack-o-lanterns after we die....hey, what?

9. Adventures of Ichabod and Mr Toad (1949) - 86% awesome (50% Wind in the Willows and 14% less interesting than the best Disney classics) - Packaged as a double feature with the Adventures of Mr Toad this Disney cartoon is still the definitive film version of Washington Irving’s popular ghost story. Plus Bing Crosby does the soundtrack! 


8. Cabin in the Woods (2012) - 87% awesome (13% drunken booty shaking) - If you’ve seen the original Evil Dead (the good one), then why not try a horrific, over-the-top spoof of the same story that puts a kitchen knife to the throat of the entire horror genre and makes a poignant criticism of its fans? Now what if it’s directed by Drew Goddard and co-written by Josh “the Avenger” Whedon and includes an ending so insane that I can’t even begin to describe it with words and do it justice? Here you go.

7. The Evil Dead Trilogy (1981, 1987, 1992) - 88% awesome (12% absolutely disgusting) - Evil Dead = The Exorcist + The Night of the living Dead + The Three Stooges. Evil Dead 2 = Evil Dead + Groovy! Evil Dead 3 (Aka Army of Darkness) = Evil Dead 2 + A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court. When taken together = a really fun time minus whatever food you attempted to digest prior to watching. It’s simple arithmetic.

6. Ghostbusters 1 & 2 (1984, 1989) - 88% awesome (12% Sigourney Weever copulating by Rick Moranis....and some guy named Janosz) - Ghostbusters is a nearly universally beloved comedy classic, but Ghostbusters 2 is also highly underrated and, heretically, my favorite of the two. It makes no mention of Halloween but you have widespread ghostly visitations from the dead and, according to Bill Murray, cats and dogs sleeping together. It’s a wild good time, bring the kids. They get free balloons.

5.The Shining (1980) - 93% awesome (7% unnecessary subplot about, well, something called a “shining”, that doesn’t really go anywhere) - There are two kinds of people, people who regard this as one of the greatest movies ever made (including me) and people who like Stephen King so much that they refuse to appreciate how incredible this movie is. I’ve never read the book and given that it’s written by Stephen King I won’t bother but Kubrick’s re-envisioned version sends chills down my spine. It’s Jack Nicholson at his best, it’s Kubrick at his best, and if you pay close attention you’ll find yourself wading in some pretty deep pools.....of blood that is.

4.The Seventh Seal (1957) - 94% awesome (6% existentialist bullshit) - This coffee house biscotti munching classic features a famous game of chess with death and a crusading knight who is looking for spiritual certainty as he approaches the end of his life. There is a ton of metaphorical imagery and bizarre religious apparitions throughout the film and references to the book of Revelation. It’s a great movie but I don’t think it’s really very coherent, much like Donnie Darko. At the same time it poses relevant questions made even more relevant by the celebration of Halloween, all saints, and all souls day. Does life have a purpose? Is there a God? Should I wear a scarf with my beret to see the important black and white foreign film? The answer to all three of these questions is of course a resounding “yes”.

3. Hocus Pocus (1993) - 95% awesome (5% scary premonitions about where Sarah Jessica Parker would take her career) - While it’s not as good as most of the movies on this list, I’m not silly, this is what I take to be the single most underrated Disney movie of all time. Far more engaging than the acclaimed/boring/ridiculous Nightmare Before Christmas. And it has everything you’d ever want in a Halloween movie: resurrected witches, a zombie, Bette Midler doing Screamin’ Jay Hawkins, children being murdered, references to the cannibalism (of children)....wait, what? This is a family movie? You bet your flying vacuum cleaner it is and it pulls no punches like that wussy assed Charlie Brown. This is the real Halloween family classic, unless you’re too cool to watch Disney but then you’re probably too cool to celebrate Halloween too. Hipster.

2. The Crow (1994) - 99% awesome (1% tragic legacy) - Brandon Lee was set up to become a bonafide superstar and then tragically died in the midst of making one of the best comic book to movie adaptations ever made. The plot is simple: take the horror genre and put it on its head where instead of having an undead, unkillable monster impose violence upon mostly-innocent victims you get an undead, unkillable monster who hunts down and kills a gang of depraved satanists set on setting the city of Detroit on fire the night before Halloween. Throw in one of best alternative rock soundtracks of the 90s (the best?), great acting, good writing stylish visuals, and lots and lots of ass-kicking and you have yourself a Halloween winner. Victims....aren’t we all?

1. The Exorcist (1979) - 100% awesome - Remember, there are things that you can’t unsee. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Watch this Halloween night and then I’ll see you at Mass on All Saints Day!











Friday, October 18, 2013

Eating Healthy at Disneyland: A Review of My Favorite Park Run Restaurants

I love Disneyland. I love the parks, the movies, the characters, the music, the history, the hotels, and even the much maligned Disney food. So on our family’s last vacation to Disneyland I decided to take special note and care when we ate at some of our favorite Disneyland food spots.

My initial goal was to debunk the claim that you just can’t eat healthily at Disneyland, which is widely spread through blogs and popular press. However, upon examination of the issue, I realized a couple of things: (1) Defining “healthy” is just too vague and controversial in the first place. Some associate the word with their favorite pseudo-scientific fad diet others mean something grossly reductive and misinformed like veganism. (2) Even based on existing nutritional standards and scientific evidence, as published by such sources as the National Institute of Health, it is pretty clear that Disneyland just isn’t going to cut the mustard. That is, even by existing standards, attempting to call Disneyland food “healthy” in any way is an exercise in futility (the popular, conventional consensus seems to ring true).

So I am abandoning that quest and going after what I’d call “good moderate” food at Disneyland. Where can THAT be found? The answer, I think, is essentially just as Disney claims in their literature: most everywhere offers some kind of alternative to the madcap culinary debauchery that can be found in such Disney famed food as the Monte Cristo Sandwich or the Red Wagon Corn-dog. So, as is often the case, the truth about the food at Disneyland resides within some nuanced place between heart-attack inducing hell and the claim that Disneyland offers healthful alternatives. I’d say that, contra Disney themselves, there are really very few truly healthful alternatives but at the very least the alternatives are good enough to to keep you from feeling sick (if you're used to eating like our family does) if not good enough to keep you from becoming constipated.

Here’s my quick, synoptic condemnation of Disney’s food and their claim to offer healthful options (why they are wrong):

1. There are no nutrition facts given for ANY meal at any part of the resort and until this information is posted for the public then their claim is only as substantial as the paper their words are printed on. People with special dietary needs required to maintain their health, such as people on medically prescribed low sodium diets or low cholesterol/low saturated fat diets, or carb counting diabetics, absolutely need to know what they’re are eating in detail and no meal can be counted as healthy unless it can be coordinated within these special parameters. Too much sugar might mean too many calories for a typical Disneyland guest but too much sugar can be harmful, even dangerous to a diabetic.

2. There isn’t enough of the green stuff. While it’s true that you can get fruit at numerous places in the park (and that you can almost always get fruit instead of french fries) the fruit is typically just nutrient poor grapes or melon and it is just damn near impossible to find any nutrient rich vegetables outside of carrot sticks, broccoli, and nutrient poor lettuce. Broccoli and carrots are both healthful heavy hitters but you can’t achieve a well rounded diet just eating those.

3. There isn’t enough fiber. Finding beans, whole grain bread, or whole grains of any kind can be a real chore at Disneyland and the consequences aren’t very pretty if you’re staying for an extended “resort” vacation. The only consistent way to get fiber was to hunt down oatmeal in the morning but even that isn’t enough at just one (expensive) bowl for an entire day. It may sound funny but sufficient fiber is essential to good digestive health and Disneyland can’t be called healthy until they remedy this.

4. There is too much salt in everything, even the “moderate” choices, and too much salt just isn’t moderate no matter what you claim in print.

5. There just isn’t enough variety. Don’t want french fries? Fine, you can have “fruit” which translates to “you can eat a bunch of grapes and honey dew melon”. Like I said above, Disneyland just doesn’t give you enough variety in terms of produce and this means that across an entire day everyone there, even if they’re really trying to eat right, aren’t going to be eating very balanced diets. It would be great to see more greens (even one source of collards or kale...I mean no collards in New Orleans? Are you serious!?) and more vegetables. Also why not more opportunities to eat beans and rice (whole grain rice/brown rice)?

At the same time Disney has to be praised for their valiant attempt, especially with regards to their children’s meals which always allow parents to choose healthier options for their children.....though this pretty much means your kids will eat salmon, grapes, and carrot sticks with 1% milk for every single meal they have!

So the food's not so healthy given these considerations but at the same time the food's not so bad either, if you make the right choices. To highlight this I will review a series of popular Disneyland eateries that purport to offer healthy alternatives. I will start from what I take to be the worst, to the very best. I can’t remember the author or the name of the name of article but I recall reading an LA Times article about eating at Disneyland that accurately offered the following sound advice about coping with food options at Disneyland: If you can get over the the fact that everything is expensive and nothing is great then you can really enjoy the food at Disneyland. I would add if you can get over the fact that little is really “healthy”, in-spite of whatever green checkmarks Disney might ascribe to it, you can still have a good time eating at Disneyland.....though you will be poorer for it, for alas, the healthier food is also often the most expensive.

Without further ado, here are what I take to be the best (and some of the worst) restaurants at Disneyland for people with healthful eating on their minds (minus the Napa Rose, which I’ve eaten at but not recently and not with writing anything in mind....it’s very good, it’s expensive, and I am not very sure about how healthy it can be or not).

Tomorrowland Terrace (avoid) - the terrace offers both lean fish and chicken sandwiches on whole wheat bread with fruit, which makes it a tantalizing alternative to the pizza and pasta dishes of Tomorrowland when you’re in a bind....unless of course flavor matters to you, at all. The food here is actually the only time that I completely hated what I was eating at Disneyland: iceberg lettuce that came out of a plastic bag, dry/bland chicken, stale bread, colorless tomatoes, and something called “avocado salsa” (what in the hell is that? do they mean guacamole only with very little avocado?!). All of this means that you are probably better off just grabbing a banana from the nearby fruit cart. The service is also absolutely the worst I have ever seen at Disneyland. I waited for 20 minutes when I had one other person in front of me, it was a surreal and jumbled experience. Avoid it like Han Solo avoids tie-fighters!

Tengora Terrace (avoid) - What’s with the terraces at Disneyland? While not as horrible as Tomorrowland Terrace I’d avoid this Disneyland Hotel fast food spot, even though they do have a really interesting breakfast menu. I’ve attempted to eat both their oatmeal cakes and the tofu/egg white casserole thing but both, at two different visits, were so over encumbered with oil from the griddle that I had to get something else. It’s a shame because they have such a quirky menu and what I think is a brilliant logistical format where you can order and customize your meal with a computer based touch-screen. The only problem is that the final product never turns out as good as it sounds. I’ve eaten here three times in the past and I probably won’t ever again.

River Belle Terrace (meh) - Rounding out my three least recommended eateries is yet another terrace. The food isn’t awful but it isn’t any good either. Helpfully, they offer a variety of putatively healthful snacks throughout the day. In the morning they have a fruit platter (with copious portions of grapes and cantaloupe....and two strawberries) and they have non-fat milk. In fact, they are the only place in the park where I know you can find non-fat milk (1% is widely available, thankfully). At night they have bland, semi-decent sandwiches and rarity of rarities, you can get beans. Again, thanks to Disney’s failure here, it’s anyone’s guess as to how unhealthy these dinnertime meals are (how much saturated fat? salt? added sugar? etc) but at the very least they MUST be better for you than a corn dog or fried chicken at the Plaza Inn! Oh and they have the Mickey Mouse pancakes (bad for you!) and their sitting area overlooks a beautiful portion of the park. It’s probably a great place to see Fantasmic. 

Carnation Cafe (meh) - It’s heresy for many people to say but I really don’t care all that much for the Carnation Cafe. The cute setting and the fact that you can watch the parade down mainstreet while you eat makes it worthwhile (once) but I don’t think the food is very high quality or very well prepared. Maybe this is because I don’t eat the chicken fried chicken or the meatloaf? We went there because they had vegan burgers on a day wherein we already had eaten enough animal protein. It came on a whole grain bun, of sorts, and was made of white beans but it also seemed to be pretty heavy in additive cooking oil. They also had this romaine salad with shrimp that was truly awful. The shrimp were tiny, salty, and had a dull faded color. They were obviously frozen at one time but I’ve had better tasting frozen shrimp from microwavable trader joe’s meals, and those suck. The lettuce was just as limp and lifeless. But the parade was awesome. Only go if you’re trying to watch a parade.

Blue Bayou (mildly recommended) - Blue Bayou is all about the experience as opposed to the food, though I am pretty sure the intention is the other way around. For about $40.00 a person you would expect to eat something extraordinary but the reality is that the food at the Blue Bayou is only cafeteria quality (if cafeterias served lobster tails). However, there is no denying the fun ambience of pretending to have a high quality lunch on the bayou at nighttime. Recently they have attempted to revamp their menu to appeal to the more health conscious: adding “micro-greens”, subtracting cheese stuffing from the salmon, adding a rack of lamb dish that comes with beans instead of their incredibly decadent au gratin potatoes, etc. I recommend the salmon with risotto and I do not recommend the extremely salty, pasty, and grossly overrated gumbo. By no means is eating there “healthy” but I think everyone ought to do it once, especially if you love Pirate’s of the Caribbean. Be sure to make reservations though, it’s the toughest restaurant to get into at Disneyland (though I’ve managed to eat there more than once as a walk in, during the summer, by showing up between 2 and 4 pm). 

Storytellers (mildly recommended) -  We ate at Storytellers both for dinner and for the character breakfast with Chip and Dale. The breakfast is one of the better options in the whole park and they have an egg white & spinach omelet that if prepared with less oil on request may truly live up to the name “healthy alternative”. It’s also the cheapest character breakfast at the resort since you can order off a menu (avoid the buffet) but the price is that the characters your family will meet are extremely obscure. Meeko from Pocahontas? The bear cub from Brother Bear? Really? While the food is decent, and the dining room nice, the service really sucks, but Disneyland food service, outside of Napa Rose, pretty much universally sucks so there is no point in mentioning it as a deciding factor. Oh, they also have grapes with cantaloupe and whole wheat Mickey Mouse waffles para los niƱos.

Paradise Garden Grill (recommended) - Now for the good stuff. Stuffed in the back corner of the worst part of the entire Disneyland resort, the Paradise Pier, aka Disney’s Knott’s Berry Farm, is an obscurely named mediterranean eatery that is easily one of the best in the park if only for the fact that it’s a nice change up. But it also happens to be very tasty too. Too bad it isn’t as healthy, oil free, or low in salt as I would like but, again, we’re looking for moderation at this point, not perfection. They also have a tofu vegetarian skewer that comes with the standard skewer vegetables (mushrooms, peppers, onions, and zucchini) and it’s a pretty good way to squeeze in a little more produce into your day. The rice is tasty but greasy. The pita is delicious but if you know what’s good for you you’ll just ask them to keep it. My favorite part? It’s counter service, which means no bad Disney table service and since the seating is outside and along the parade route you might be able to land both an early dinner and the Pixar parade as a two for one!

White Waters (recommended) - Hidden pool side, not far from Nappa Rose and the super special hotel guests only entrance to DCA, is this mock up of a real-life shitty cafeteria as found at campgrounds and lodges across America. Only this one is a little less shitty. For breakfast calorie counters can score a reasonable bowl of oatmeal (I ask for no sugar added), $2.00 bananas, and low-fat milk and yogurt....pretty danged balanced and nutritious for Disneyland. Even better is their semi-decent (though salty) chicken and guacamole sandwich that you can get with a mass of grapes, however, you’re going to have to make a special request for their dry but much healthier whole wheat bun instead of the HUGE chunk of ciabatta that it comes with. Come on Disney, don’t you know what the people who order a chicken breast/guac sandwich are looking for?!  And if you decide, for a moment, that you just don’t care then the nachos are amazing. They’re covered in fake, ghetto processed cheese but that’s just part of why they’re so good....they also come with decent guac, sour creme, and your choice of salty chicken or beef. I think it’s one of the greatest, tastiest, unsung junk foods that you can get at Disneyland. Yes, better than then overrated corn dog! (Mostly because it succeeds at not being a corn dog).

Jolly Holiday (recommend) - Mary Poppins is one of the best Disney movies so a bakery themed after the film is something to get excited about, plus Disneyland does have a well deserved reputation for churning out decent sweets. But what if your a joyless scab like me? Well don’t worry, there are some healthier things lying about. The most promising is the chicken and lentil soup since its a rare source of lean protein and fiber and their health staple is the whole grains/grilled vegetable salad. Both sort of taste like salted ass but you’re not going to find tons of alternatives so just suck it up. The crazy giant sandwiches on the other hand aren’t so bad, at least in terms of flavor. Did I mention they have good treats? Who am I kidding. You go because they have Disneyland coffee, which is better than Starbucks, and good treats. Try the fruit pie!

Cafe Orleans (highly recommended) - Essentially a cheaper, less atmospheric version of the Blue Bayou (they both feature the Monte Cristo sandwich of death) Cafe Orleans might very well be my favorite place to eat in the park all things considered. Aside from the beautiful Disney surroundings of New Orleans square, which matters, they offer a great way to get a bunch of greens and some decent salmon at the same time. They also uniquely serve what I think is the very best Disneyland desert of them all, a caramelized banana stuffed crepe. Add some very good espresso and you have yourself something special and for damn near half the cost and hassle of the Blue Bayou. It’s still not super healthy, I’m obviously indulging if I’m eating a crepe, but they have greens! Greens at Disneyland! It’s a big deal.



Bengal BBQ (highly recommended) - A favorite of Disney buffs in the know and for good reason. The prices are unbeatable and it’s an amazing option if you count calories or try to eat more nutrient rich plant based food. The only trouble is that there is no place to really eat your food in tightly packed Adventure Land. Just take a few skewers with you while you wait in line for the Jungle Boat Cruise or Indiana Jones. 



Carthay Circle (highly recommended) - Disneyland’s premier restaurant, in the parks that is, brings the food and service of Napa Rose into Disney’s California Adventure for what amounts to a deliciously uncomfortable experience. Being inside the park there is no way that I or anyone else is going there with formal dining in mind, and I’m bringing my small children with me of course, but it’s formal dining that you’re going to have to endure and that comes with all the good and bloated over indulgent niceties that you might ever want, or despise if you’re like me. Obsequious yet delightfully competent wait staff and all. They have quality and unique offerings like ceviche with fried plantain chips and a soba noodle, vegetable, beef bowl option for kids instead of the tired salmon/pasta combo offered at every other Disneyland sit-down. It’s not exactly a health nut’s dream come true (they use too much salt and too many oils) but if you keep your portions under control you can have what might very well be the best tasting food available at Disneyland!

Steakhouse 55 - Nestled in a odd place, right next door to Goofy's Kitchen, at the Disneyland hotel is one of the best and most ridiculously expensive restaurants on Disneyland Resort property. What I like about this place is that it is truly possible to eat healthily here, if not for a very good price. For me, and for medical science, a healthy meal is nutritionally balanced and low in agents that can factor into health problems if consumed habitually. That is you can eat a low fat, low sodium, glycemically tame meal that is rich in stuff that your body's cells need to function properly.....only you are going to have to choose carefully and make some special orders. What I did was order a filet (lean beef) to share with my wife and then we ordered a bunch of obnoxiously high priced sides ($8 a pop baby) but without any added oils or cream: plain baked potatoes, and a special request of steamed spinach and broccoli, which they entertained. For the price the service is terrible and we waited a long time in an empty restaurant, but the ambiance, food quality, and shear customizability of our meal made it an overall good experience....an extremely expensive good experience. Plan accordingly.

Big Thunder BBQ  (highly recommended) - My favorite by far in the park is the Big Thunder BBQ, where I believe that if you’re thoughtful, and exercise self-control, that you can truly have a relatively healthful meal and a very good time with your children: loud musical antics and no snooty waiters or misguided singles trying to ignore the fact that Disneyland is, was, and always will be a place designed for parents to have fun with their children. It’s a dinner show with all you can eat BBQ, which doesn’t sound very healthy but then you can order a vegetarian skewer that brings the much needed vitamin-C and lean protein (tofu) and the sides are great: you get beans! Real honest to God beans, and though sweetened a tad they aren’t prepared in lard. The cole slaw is also completely mayonnaise free. And get this, it’s actually pretty damn good BBQ, all you can eat chicken and pork ribs, and I say this as someone who was born and raised in Texas (though it’s doubtful that it is, technically speaking, BBQ....I’m pretty sure its not really smoked meat, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t taste great!). If you stick to moderate portions of the meat, get the vegetable skewer, enjoy the beans and slaw and avoid second helpings, and skip the buttery corn bread altogether, then you can really make something special out of the meal. Every family ought to do it, though reservations are pretty much essential.

So there you have it. Disneyland, not healthy (at all) but by no means a death sentence. It’s actually possible to eat moderately and still not be a stick in the mud about every single meal, though, I will point out that the choices I’ve suggested above all run at the very highest end of the cost spectrum. You can eat cheaper there but unfortunately that means more often than not that you’ll be grabbing a corn dog or a cinnamon bun, etc. What I’d really like to see is someone come up with a list of suggestions for people to eat at the lower end of the price spectrum (nothing’s what
can be called “cheap”) and in a way that excludes the typical (yet excellent) advice of simply bringing your own food to the park because, after all, distance travelers don’t always have this as an option. I don’t really see a way to do this without being very redundant (eating the same stuff everyday) but perhaps there is a way! Disneyland is a very big place, after all.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Pinocchio (1940)

After the hugely successful release of Snow White Disney was set up to become a veritable animation super factory. Walt Disney had expanded the animation department by hundreds and was fixing to move everyone into a brand new building in Burbank that would feature tighter organization, new technology, and expanded resources....like, I kid you not, a hot tub. The rights for a long list of future animated films were acquired and production started right away on what Disney hoped would be the studios next monster success.

But this productive vision of the future never happened. The onset of World War II crippled a large segment of Disney’s market (Europe). Thus the studios second film, Pinocchio, which cost even more than the ambitious Snow White, would turn out to be a major financial flop that the studio would not actually even begin to recover from until the 50s. Couple this with an animators strike in 1941 that drastically raised the cost of animation and forced the studio to fire nearly half its animators and you soon see why Disney eventually stopped producing the kinds of films they once did in the 30s and 40s.

Despite the fact that Pinocchio was a financial failure it was still highly praised at the time of its release and it has come to be regarded by most establishment critics as the greatest Disney movie ever made and possibly the greatest animated movie ever made. While I disagree with the establishment a lot, as with Robin Hood or the Emperor’s New Groove, I am not going to disagree with them about Pinocchio. It is a veritable masterpiece of movie making and my pick for the single greatest Disney movie of all time....the standard by which all other Disney movies are judged.

Pinocchio is an adaptation of an Italian (that’s pronounced ‘eye-talian’) writer’s, Carlo Collodi, popular novel about a little wooden boy who is magically brought to life by a fairy as a reward for the goodness of a lonely old toy maker named Gepetto and who subsequently embarks on a perilous journey of moral growth in the hopes that one day he will become a REAL little boy. In order to do this, the fairy stipulates, he must first prove himself worthy. How does he do that? By obeying his conscience of course, a little anthropomorphic bug named Jimminy Cricket (which, as you know, is a term meant to stand in for Jesus Christ when swearing).

But the world is a dangerous place and evil lurks like a beast around every corner and thus Pinocchio is hornswoggled into disobeying his “father”, Geppeto, and finds himself in a series of physically and spiritually dangerous situations. Thankfully, Jimminy Cricket is always there to be his guide and, after a great deal of sacrifice and repentance, Pinocchio eventually finds his way back home to the loving and merciful father that had been fervently seeking him out all along.

Does any of this sound familiar to you or remind you of anything else? Good, then you probably realize why I love this movie so much. It is just the best moral, crypto-Christian allegory I have ever seen. Even better than Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore. I especially love the social commentary on “Pleasure Island” where a life of base, self-indulgence makes young boys, literally, turn into jackasses.

Yet Pinocchio isn’t just clever moralizing, of the highest order and magnitude, it’s also a superbly crafted movie. Story wise it is one of the most exciting Disney films ever made.  I sort of get exhausted just thinking about how much Pinocchio, and Geppeto, have to go through before they are finally reunited. Of course they do, duh, and it’s a warm, buttery Disney fairytale ending that is well earned and highly satisfying. You also gotta love how they dealt with the giant, man eating whale (the most unscientifically unsound and yet most incredibly bad ass depiction of a whale ever filmed)!

The characters are great too. Pinocchio may be a little wooden (get it?) but the addition of Jimminy Cricket really helps the film a lot. Cliff Edwards, one of your grandpa’s favorite singers, did his voice and he really brought a great deal of warmth and old-school colloquial American charm to the character....to such a degree that I pretty much associate the word “wholesome” with “Jimminy Cricket” and “whittling wood on the porch with kin”. Of course he’s also a smooth singer and he sings the legendary “When You Wish Upon a Star” in the course of the film, which AFI has declared to be in the top 10 greatest songs used in a film ever. I love that song and so do you, unless you’re some kind of vampire.

The other characters are great too. Stramboli might be the scariest Disney villain. I crap you not he promises to chop Pinocchio into wood, “when he gets old and useless”, a line that still haunts my darkest nightmares and which serves as my earliest exposure to the concept of “euthanasia”. Geppeto is the celluloid embodiment of “kind hearted old man” and you just can’t wait for the poor guy to get back together with his animate little wooden boy. How disappointing it must be for you to wake up one night to discover that one of the toys you’ve just made has come to life to be your “son” only to have that same toy run away to join the theatre the very next day. How disappointing or disconcerting....I guess I’d probably have myself committed, on second thought.

Animation wise, Pinocchio is a masterpiece, second to none in the entire Disney canon. Just look at the use of the multi-plane camera, that Ub Iwerks (co-creator of Mickey) invented, in this film’s opening sequence or in the shots of the village and then compare it to anything being produced today or yesterday and I think that you will be astonished by the beauty and the detail of Pinocchio, a movie that was released well over 70 years ago in an age where everything had to be painstakingly done by hand and up hill through the snow both ways. Disney must have chained his animators to their desks for weeks just to get two minutes of such great animation. The soundtrack, unsurprisingly, is also very good.

It’s old, it’s not as accessible as the Princess stuff or the less allegorical, more straight forward story lines of the other Disney movies but Pinocchio is an incredibly beautiful and meaningful movie that transcends the limits that animation sometimes places on our ability to connect the story to reality. Fantastical as it all is, you will care when that crazy old Italian toy maker finally embraces a little boy who had up until that shining moment been in danger of being consumed by termites and as serious as it all sounds, if not a little odd and scary at times, it’s a movie that literally everyone from the youngest child to the oldest child at heart can love and appreciate together. But not heartless monsters, their eyes cannot tolerate the radiant glow that gloriously emanates from the film over and against their shadowy existence. Such creatures are to be pitied.

I give it a perfect 5 blue fairies

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Mary Poppins (1964)

The only really great live action Disney film in existence, Mary Poppins is the product of years of tedious consideration by Disney studios. Based on a popular series of children’s books by P.L. Travers, Walt Disney himself had attempted to get the rights to the film for many years even before Disney really had established itself in live action movies. Over the years Walt Disney would approach P.L. Travers and each time he did she would object to a film but Disney, as stubborn as she, kept on trying and eventually, after much agony, was able to secure the rights on the grounds that Disney’s final script would meet her approval. After many rewrites she still wasn’t happy with everything but the movie was made and to much thunderous applause. (Apparently the exchanges between Disney and P.L. Travers were interesting enough to have a movie made about it Starring Tom Hanks as Walt Disney....the trailer's out there).

Michael and Jane are neglected upper middle class children living in London who write an advertisement for an ideal new nanny when after their most recent nanny suddenly quits. Though ripped to shreds and thrown in the fire by their cantankerously rigid and self-centered father the advertisement is answered by the mysterious and magically endowed Mary Poppins who literally flies into their family’s life by way of an umbrella and initiates a plan to inspire Jane and Michael’s parents to pay proper attention to their children and each other.

This movie really shouldn’t have worked, just like all those other “whimsical” nanny movies set in England, and never mind the fact that Disney in general is entirely incompetent when it comes to live action. Maybe all those years of living with the story payed off because much to most everyone’s delight Mary Poppins is one of the best Disney movies ever made.

The story is imaginative, compelling, and genuinely moving with a strong moral theme about the importance of familial love over the pride of personal exploits beyond the home. The father, Mr Banks, is a wealthy banking executive who is practically hell bent on climbing the ladder at work. Mrs Banks, a flighty socialite, is determined to fight for women’s suffrage in England....mostly because she has nothing to do, like you know, raising thriving children. The children of Mary Poppins, like the children of reality, suffer at the hands of their parents illegitimately exalted ambitions. You can’t have it all and sometimes you have to sacrifice your laurels to win the race that really matters. It’s a profound message for our age yet it's introduced in a way that isn’t hamfisted or offensive like other moralizing Disney movies, such as Pocahontas.

Julie Andrews, who plays Mary Poppins, is unbelievably good in this and, indeed, she walked away with best actress that year at the Academy Awards (the movie itself was nominated for best picture but lost to the excellent but less magical My Fair Lady). I mean she is spot on amazing. She is dignified and a little pompous and yet warm and caring. She’s wise, full of magic powers, and yet somehow also demure in English middle class fashion....which always makes me want to have scones and tea, like a civilized person. Then there is her mysterious, intriguing relationship with Bert the chimney sweep, played by Dick Van Dyke, who serves as Mary’s respected and yet permanently unrequitable love interest, almost as if to say that magical family saving nannies must be celibate on principle. Makes sense to me....oh, and she can sing too, like the dickens.

Dick Van Dyke is also a lot of fun in this and he does the best impression of an American doing a cockney accent that I have ever seen. The children? Charming. Mr Banks and his wife (David Tomlinson and Glynis Johns)? Practically perfect in every way.

The live action musical sequences in this movie, which sometimes incorporate animation, are without parallel among Disney films. With songs written by the legendary Sherman Brothers Mary Poppins has more Disney hits in it than all the Disney movies of the 2000’s combined....which really isn’t saying much. A Spoon Full of Sugar is wonderful and probably haunts your memory. You probably still can’t pronounce Supercalifragilisticexpialidotious backwards and that Christian inspired song about feeding the birds still makes me teary eyed every time. But don’t forget about all the other great sequences like the animated penguin waiters or the dance of the Chimney Sweeps over the rooftops of London. Or the tea party on the ceiling with that guy who looks like Benjamin Franklin. As if you could, this movie is virtually unforgettable, chump.

Mary Poppins is a rare piece of movie magic and one of the greatest musicals of all time, Disney or otherwise. It has great characters, an involving and unique story and, most importantly to me, a moral message that places the value of children far above having a job at the bank. It’s not that working for a living is wrong, you Bolshevick, it’s that loving your children is far more important in the grand scheme of things. I love it.

I give it 4.8 tuppence for the bird lady on the steps of St Paul’s