10 Overstuffed Thanksgiving Turkeys

I thought I better post this list before I make people sick too close to their turkey dinner. Here are my picks for the absolute most overrated, awful movies ever to be made that are either about or set during the Thanksgiving holiday, from bad to even more bad. Here you go:

Funniest scene in movie is given away in the poster. Notice that "it's like Home Alone with Bart Simpson"....huh?

 10. Dutch (1991) - Essentially a rehash of better John Hughes movies, Dutch starts off strong but then quickly spins out just as soon as the rubber hits the road. Ed O’Neil does a great Al Bundy impression the whole way through, which is entertaining, but it can’t carry a weak story, unlikable characters, or all the unbelievable scenarios that accompany him along the way.  See Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, or even Home Alone, instead. 

9. Grumpy Old Men (1993) - Seeing the names “Jack Lemon” and “Walter Matthau” stuck together seems to be the sole reason for the existence this vulgar snooze-fest about ancient men competing to fornicate with the same young woman during the holidays.

8. Thanksgiving Visitor (1967) - Based on a boring short story by Truman Capote is this boring short film wherein a boy growing up in Alabama is forced to invite a school bully over to his home for thanksgiving dinner. On paper this sounds like it would go toward a beautiful lesson of some sort but the point of the story seems to be that, in life, there just aren’t any. The bully steals from the family, as he was bound to, and the boy/narrator despises him for it, as he was bound to. Only the senile, mentally stunted old lady who arranged the whole fiasco continues to believe in forgiveness, mercy, and the capacity of human beings to be changed for the better. Whatever you make of the ethics it’s still just like watching moss grow.

At least two seasons of situation comedy hell crammed into one awful movie

7. Home for the Holidays (1995) - A film about nothing, Home for the Holiday’s simply display’s a series of zany situations that Jodi Foster must endure during a trip to her parent’s house for Thanksgiving dinner. Sometimes some sort of random, uncalled for emotional outburst interrupts the flow of nonsense long enough to bore you, or confuse you, but then it’s right back to Robert Downing Jr doing shenanigans. The result is one to the most unwatchable, unfunny comedies I have ever seen. 

6. Holiday Inn (1942) - Great musical scenes accompany the worst storytelling ever in one of the most overrated musicals of all time. Only the sequel, White Christmas, is worse in this respect. Do yourself a favor and just listen to Bing Crosby on Pandora and forget that this movie even exists. Unless you’re into the black face, then by all means give it at least one go....ABRAHAM!

5. One Special Night (1999) - So James Garner and Julie Andrews are two strangers who find themselves stuck sharing a secluded cabin during a Thanksgiving snow storm. Then James Garner asks Julie Andrews whether or not she’s seen psycho....that’s when I stopped watching. I know exactly where this is going and I’ve seen enough slasher films during October already. Seriously though, it’s a very popular lifetime/hallmark movie (one or the other) and therefore, by a law of freaking nature, it’s just awful. Watch Pyscho instead. It’s more comforting than seeing two screen legends crash and burn in a piss poor made-for-tv movie.

4. Monumental (2012) - A monumental waste of time hahahahaha....see what I did there? Spurious history and dubious logic combine to form a ridiculous, almost laugh out loud, “argument” in favor of “saving America” by turning it into a theocracy modeled after the Plymouth Colony. I’m serious.

Even the Army didn't want this guy's mediocre, forgettable hippie pop music

3. Alice’s Restaurant (1969) - Nothing but a long, self-indulgent commercial for a lackluster and mostly forgotten pop album from the 1960s. Bum trip, man. 

2. Nobody’s Fool (1994) - Two-hours of Paul Newman trudging around in the snow attempting to charm the pants off of everybody....in some cases literally. Beloved by many old women, this love letter to all things Newman fails to provide anything like a coherent narrative and despite the stellar cast of talent, including Paul Newman himself, not a single likable or interesting character emerges from the mix. Worst yet this stinker was one of the very last movies to feature Jessica Tandy. If she hadn’t gone to the premiere I’d like to believe that she’d be with us this very day, 104 years young. 

"Well at least he's not a snitch. Y'all are snitches. If I weren't blind I'd solve my problem by setting fire to this place. Oo-rah!"....spare me

1.Scent of a Woman (1992) - One of the most overrated movies of all time features a hilariously awful performance by Al Pacino as a cruel, foul mouthed, washed-up military hero who went blind when, I *#$@ you not, “he was juggling hand grenades”. Throw in an insanely stupid speech about the importance of “not being a snitch” and a scene featuring a blind guy speeding around back allies in a ferrari and you have all the elements for one of the most obnoxious, crassly manipulative oscar-hungry pieces of tripe of all time. Oo-rah!