I've seen a lot of Halloween movies and movie lists recently, looking for ideas for my own top choices, and a few movies keep coming back at me that I think aren't as great as people say and therefore require a bit of shredding. A bit of snipping down to size. Some trimming of the verge. You get the idea. While I think that some of these are good movies that are merely over-hyped, others are down right pernicious and they must be stopped before they harm others. All of these are relatively popular in their own right, but that doesn't get them off the hook. Remember, the New Kids on the Block were popular too!
So here are my choices for overrated movies that are popular around this time of year:
13. Paranorman - While not necessarily beloved by the critics (at least until fairly recently, those fickle bastards) I still find that too many people praise this snooze fest and for all the wrong reasons. How many giant wide release productions does an animation company have to have before it loses the “alternative” mystique that attracts all the snowflakes of the world?
12. The Blair Witch Project - I saw this anti-movie in theaters and it made me queazy with all the camera jerking and booger drenched hysterical crying and screaming it contains. There is no witch, there is no story, there is no point. You’d think that some interesting footage would have made its way in at least by accident, right? No dice.
11. The Lost Boys - If a twelve year old boy from 1987 had free reign to make a movie about vampires, it would be this movie. Unfortunately, now that twelve year old boy is a 38 year old man who can’t be bothered to give a shit about how cool he once thought dirt bike riding, mullet sporting vampires were. It’s not just a dated/irrelevant movie, it’s practically a fossil buried somewhere in the Utah desert.
10. Suspiria - An Italian horror movie sold to film studies majors as “one of the greatest of all time”, except that it lacks a coherent or interesting narrative, competent acting, or anything looking at all like human blood. It admittedly has a strong aesthetic appeal and some really amazing experimental music, to good effect, but outside of a few great scenes the whole thing is pretty boring and anticlimactic. You don’t even learn that there is any connection to witches at all until some guy explains it to the audience in a protracted exposition scene, which is a big no no!
9. The Halloween that Almost Wasn’t - An old made for TV movie that often gets thrown out there for viewing around this time of the year....but it really should have just been forgotten. Halloween is nearly canceled because the witch, only one I guess, tells Dracula she doesn’t want to be a villain anymore so Dracula, the Wolfman, Frankenstein’s Monster, and the Mummy (and Igor) have to force her to change her mind. Many 1970s pop-cultural references ensue. Dracula even criticizes the Frankenstein Monster for appearing in Young Frankenstein and the show ends with a Saturday Night Fever disco dance. Somewhere, somehow, people still likes this. Not me, I wasn't even born in 1979!
8. Bram Stoker’s Dracula - Ugh. This one hurts just thinking about it. Francis Ford Coppola, one of the best directors of the 70s, 80s and 90s, made his worst movie here and his biggest mistake was probably agreeing to cast Keanu Reeves as Jonathan Harker. Reeves isn’t a great actor but he “like totally sucks” here and every single scene he’s in is rendered hilarious....in a Dracula movie. Then there’s the impossibly inept story, wherein the the whole thing just completely implodes under the weight of its own erotically driven pretenses, once more rendering the Elvis Presley of Vampires a comedy act. Gary Oldman’s commendable performance as the Count can’t save this stinker, but the great soundtrack, classic effects, and stylistic visuals were enough to fool a lot of people that this movie is anything but retarded. But I never go full retard.
7. Frankenstein (1931) - While by no means a bad movie it’s not the flawless masterpiece it’s purported to be by film snobs. It’s riddled with bad acting, hokey dialogue, superficial storytelling and, obviously, it’s extremely visually dated. At the same time its not a bad story and it still captures something of the tragic morality tale intended by Mary Shelley’s novel. Boris Karloff was also pretty awesome too. Of the Universal monster movies it’s by far the best movie, better than Dracula (wait for it), and the only one that I actually will still watch from time to time, but it’s been surpassed many times and doesn’t deserve its pride of place among those who no doubt celebrate its historical value.
6. Trick R’ Treat - An awful and mean spirited direct to DVD movie that was intended for theaters but was sent straight to Red Box hell instead and has now found its revenge against justice by becoming a cult favorite over the last few years. It’s an attempt to recapture the magic of classic horror compilations like Creep Show and the Twilight Zone movie, with four minnie movies all set on the same Halloween night that are supposed to intertwine....only they never really do and each story is just an excuse to exploit some cliche or contrived Shyamalan-esque plot twist. What really kills me though is how disgustingly awful this movie’s characters are: everyone is a villain, no one has any mercy, everything is despair and hate....and at the same time it’s supposed to be a funny. But hey, if you think watching a 12 year old kid die of cyanide poisoning is funny then you’ll probably love this! But I think you’re a devil, and that you have bad taste.
5. Coraline - Directed by Tim Burton doppleganger Henry Selick and based on a children’s book written by Neil Gaiman, Coraline tells the long, boring, contrived, nonsensical tale of an irritating thankless little girl who lives in Ashland, Oregon with her hip, aloof douche parents....and then a bunch of zany stuff....she’s almost stolen by a witch without clear motives or any sort of origin....the end. Like Paranorman, Laika’s more recent disappointment, it’s very nice to look at but just like Paranorman there just isn’t a compelling or coherent story. While some critics seemed to recognize this with Paranorman, now that Laika’s hipster honeymoon is over, back in 2009 they were still deceived enough by the hope that they were seeing something revolutionary and promising, like a new Pixar or something, that they gave this turd glowing reviews. I give it an D+, for the effort.
4. The Worst Witch - More like the Worst Movie....hahahaha! No. For many children of the 80s this made-for-tv movie has come to be an annual must-do classic, but every time I try and watch it I am forced to give up and skip to this movie’s one truly entertaining moment: Tim Curry singing. It’s not a great song, by any means, but it's fun and packs enough delicious cheez-whiz low budget 80s effects to make it enjoyable....maybe for the wrong reasons. Numerous elements from this movie, and a cult favorite 80s fantasy movie called Troll, which featured a protagonist named Harry Potter, all seemed to have mysteriously made their way into a certain popular series of novels and movies. What was the name again
3. Dracula (1931) - Everyone loves Bela Legosi’s performance as the Count, at least we’re supposed to, but the fact that this movie is based on a stage-play really shows. It isn’t like watching a movie at all, there’s nothing dynamic about it in any way; it’s just a static camera with some props and a lot of overacting (though I hear the Spanish version, filmed on the same sound stage at the same time with different actors, is actually way better). What’s astounding is that, to date, I don’t think I’ve seen a single version of Dracula that has really impressed me, in-spite of how cool Dracula himself is as a character, and I think the reason for this is simply that the source material itself isn’t very good. I mean it’s a vampire story that’s starts off being mostly about real-estate transactions. Only later does it shift to being about tawdry Victorian romances *yawn*. It’s perfect for the BBC, who’s made the best version to date, but compared to Pride and Prejudiced this is a a load of guano.
2. It’s the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown - Seriously, who can watch this crap? It’s just half an hour of whining, biting sarcasm, and Linus waiting in a pumpkin patch for *SPOILER ALERT*....nothing, nothing at all.
1. Nightmare Before Christmas - Every year Disney craps all over my beloved Haunted Mansion at Disneyland for like 4 months out of the year in order to placate the thousands of hot-topic shopping doofy bastards that absolutely just love this movie. But in my estimation the Nightmare Before Christmas is the single most overrated movie in the entire Disney movie library and I just don’t understand why. While the character designs and world have a great look, and the promotional art is cool, it features a boring and yet joyless story about kidnapping Santa Clause (Sandy Claws), annoying musical scenes, choppy animation, unlikeable characters, and stupid dialogue. It isn’t funny, it isn’t interesting, it isn’t even critical or biting in anyway. It’s just a bunch of vicious Halloween tropes physically abusing Santa Clause and singing “lalalalalalalala” for 90 minutes! I hate this movie, but thankfully every time I force myself to watch it I fall asleep.
There you go, I hope you're grateful because I've just done you a big favor. Let the hate mail come....I'm ready.
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