John Carter (2012)

One of the biggest bombs in disney film history is also one of the most under appreciated too.....except in Russia, where I hear it was actually a record breaking success. “In Mother Russia, box office record breaks you”.

Based on an old and hilariously outdated scifi novel by Edgar Rice Burroughs, the guy who created Tarzan, the narrative was destined to fail before this thing ever went into production. Why? Because we (and I mean everybody) know too much about Mars, and science, to take the premise very seriously. I guess, if you want to be positive about it, one way you can think about this story is as a 19th century version of Superman in reverse: A civil war veteran goes to another planet wherein he suddenly acquires superpowers thanks to terrestrial differences between Earth and Mars (false differences) which allows him to help save an alien world.

It’s a tall order to swallow but thankfully the director, Andrew Stanton, of notable Pixar fame, along with a couple of other talented writers with good track records, were able to generate something fun, intentionally goofy, and sufficiently self-aware of the absurd source material. Taylore Kitsch plays the role of John Carter well and in completely comic fashion, which I think is a really good move anytime you are dealing with awkward source material, which is part of how the Avenger’s worked so well. When you have something ridiculous to work with, play it like it’s funny, because it is.

The truth is, John Carter, outside of having an impossibly dumb title and ridiculous premise that’s hard to sell, really should have and could have been a majorly successful franchise. The trouble is that the story takes on too much and quickly gets bogged down in long winded political intrigue, side stories, and a vast array of important characters with too little to say or do. Except this cool CGI dog thing, that thing was amazing. In other words this movies suffers from the same disease that all other adaptations of novels suffer from: getting too much information into the form of a coherent and entertaining 2 hour movie. I still had fun watching it though and so would a lot more people if they had seen it. It’s a shame really.

I give it 3.2 little green alien babies